The Pigeon

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What is the point of a pigeon?
Have you ever pondered this thought?
I’ve scanned the books, all religions,
And believe this bird to be a rort.

There you waddle, pecking at refuse;
Fat head bobbles, you coo and scratch;
And you can home (that’s no excuse);
Those other birds you cannot match.

But God must’ve something in His mind:
A niche, a role for you my friend;
In pity I wink, reason sure to find;
Stop this poem reaching a sad end.

But now white goo splatters my eye;
Then a wink from pigeon up on high!

© Neil Dufty

Runny nose poem

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RED, RED NOSE
O my Love’s like my red, red nose,  
That’s newly sprung in June;  
O my Love’s like an allergy,  
That helps us snore in tune.  

Now you’re so cool, my bony lass, 
But so deep in snot am I; 
And I will love you still, my dear, 
Till all my sinuses go dry. 

Till all my sinuses go dry, my dear, 
And we can have some fun; 
But I will love you still, my dear, 
When again my nose does run. 

So see you soon my only Love, 
And see you, for a while!  
And I will come again, my Love, 
With one big snotty smile! 

(Author’s note: Apologies to Robert Burns for the take on his poem ‘Red, Red Rose’)

© Neil Dufty

At a Barnes & Noble

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I met her at a Barnes & Noble
I was young, she was much older
Coo-coo-ca-choo, she behind a folder
Our eyes then met, and I told her
I’m looking for a book
At a Barnes & Noble

We made love in a Barnes & Noble
It happened in the non-fiction section
Between Religion or History on reflection
No one noticed, no detection
Only the books saw the action 
At a Barnes & Noble

We were married at a Barnes & Noble
It was literally a fine celebration
Filled with friends and the odd relation
Books and us – the ultimate creation
Books hailed our matrimony
At a Barnes & Noble

Our children live in a Barnes & Noble
Reading books is our only pastime
Other kids play Xbox, games of that kind
But this line I’m struggling to rhyme
I will get the answer
At a Barnes & Noble

This poem is brought to you
By Barnes & Noble
‘Book a Life’
At a Barnes & Noble.

© Neil Dufty

Perfection

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You caught my eye as 
I ran on by

I doubled back to 
take a look

And in the shop you 
peered at me

Statuesque, perfect 
in every way.

Like Bo Derek in 10
a vision splendid

Such style, such elegance
a Sophia Loren

The curves, the contours
Angelina Jolie

But then I noticed you
did not move.

© Neil Dufty

A poem about cows and climate change

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A CHANGE IS IN THE WIND
Belch! 

They’re watching us, these things called humans
Pens out, monitoring our rumens
Cows no fun

Pointing their fingers, shuffling their sheets
Murmuring about the planet’s heat
Cows help sun

Worried faces, showing their petulance
About our burps and our flatulence
Cows need bung

Uttering words, most common ‘methane’
Hoping cows would kindly refrain
Cow’s bad bum

With a gut like a still, our only torment
Grass sloshes around, slow ferment
Cow’s big drum

Big cows with balls are the worst offenders
Blame males, that’ll help defend us
Cows well hung

They think it’s best to fit us with gas masks 
Give us new grass to stop the farts
Cow’s new tum

They’ll want us to dispose of our very own cow pats
Placing them into underground vats
Cows no dung

See they carve us up or milk us bone dry
Now they say we make all things fry
Cows hard done

And we’re so over all their bovine jokes
Go away, pick on some ‘udder’ folk  
Cow bad pun 

And don’t they belch things out, that’s a fact
What’s spewing from that factory stack?
Cows not dumb

See all we want to do is chew our cud
Moo, poo, trudge though the mud 
Cows hum drum

So it’s over, all of this crap is enough
We’re taking a stand, getting so tough
Cows done fun

Let’s fight for ruminant freedom
Run with the buffalo, the sheep
Let’s herd together, fight to the end
Cows are one

Let’s stampede the Golden Arches
Go on long protest marches
Fight on beaches and on pastures
Even take to air in the fastest
Cow Top Gun

And now the end is very near
The day that all of us cattle fear
The last to the abattoir is to be tanned
Our fight was called ‘Muster’s Last Stand’
Cows out gunned

So if this story shocks, scares and amazes
That we Daisies could be ‘pushing up daisies’
Next time you question our windy emissions
Consider the risk of milk and meat omissions
Cow’s life done

(Author’s note: It is reported that ruminants, including cows, are directly responsible for 6.3% of anthropogenic global warming. Apologies to Dana Lyons for using some ideas from his song ‘Cows with Guns’)

© Neil Dufty

A poem on Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus

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SHE:HE
You never show me any emotion
I’m always showing you devotion
You do not even know how to try
What do you want me to do? Cry?
You so do not really understand
Hey, I am only trying to be a man
A nice gift, a little kiss on the lips
What’s the problem? We go on trips
Surprise me, be romantic, my honey
I know, you want more of my money
Wait, there’s someone I’ve got to text
Let’s go and have wild, passionate sex
You’re always trying to get me into bed
Now you’re really playing with my head
At least the girls they will shop with me
And the boys they let me feel so free
This long discussion is going so nowhere
It’s an argument, you’re not being fair
You’re shirty, you’ll now give me the snub
That’s right, I’m off now down to the pub.

I’m sorry, here are flowers to show I care
Flowers, that’s a change, so very rare
Can we kiss, make up, and get some food?
Long as it’s not make out, not in the mood
Let’s call it a truce? I will be there for you
And I will try to accept you for being you.

© Neil Dufty

The joys of being an older runner

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Why do we? Why do we go back for more?
Perspiration pouring out like an artesian bore,
Groans in our bones, aches for goodness sakes,
The finish out of sight, this is what it takes.

Are we all masochists or are we just silly?
(I wish this darned course wasn’t that hilly!)
‘Fun run’: an oxymoron if ever there was one!
I’m sure this race has well and truly been won.

But I remember the day, the day of my PB,
It was so, so easy, I got a running stress freebie,
I felt virile, vibrant, young, I ran without fear,
The only thing, I can’t even remember the year.

Will I now walk? My legs they feel like rubber,
I’m a whale beached, heavy weight and all blubber,
No, no, I can’t give in to this easy walk option
Which seduces me like some sensuous siren.

And now one last strain as I cross the finish line,
I’ll sit down, catch my breath, then I’ll feel fine,
Then talk to the others, make up all the excuses,
And ask, ‘Do you know any good masseuses?’

Then home to start on the long road to recover,
Apply some ice, pop a pill, maybe then another,
But whatever the weather, if it’s hot, wet or cold,
We will all be back, as good as gold, or just old.

© Neil Dufty

The Bachelor

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I really want to be The Bachelor,
Inviting morsels for me to trawl,
Flicking them off, so spectacular,
I wish I could taste them all!

And I find The One, The Only One,
“My love is like a red, red, rose”,
The final, millions watch, she’s won,
A moment in time that froze.

But is it real this game of love?
Is it only a scripted illusion?
Parts are acted, producers shove,
All in all, a romantic delusion.

To be The Bach my looks will hinder,
I’ll go back to finding real love on Tinder.

© Neil Dufty

The Lone Star Motel

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One Star Motel
The sun was setting in the west,
I could not drive much further,
My eyes were bleary, to stop was best,
“Safety first,” my mum I’d heard her.

I then drove through a tin-pot town,
You know the type with tumbleweed,
But lack of habitation made me frown,
All I wanted was a sleep and a feed.

There was nowhere to rest my weary head,
No Bed and Breakfast, not a hotel,
The next town I thought I would head,
But then I spied the ‘Lone Star Motel’.

Excited I knocked on the reception door,
Looking down I noted the ‘Welcome’ mat,
Finally a lady ambled across the floor,
Rollers in her hair, ciggy and a tatt.

“Are you on your own?” the lady said,
“I have to check if there’re vacancies,”
I pleaded, “Please only a feed and bed,
Your sign did not say ‘No Vacancies’.”

She checked whilst sucking on her smoke,
“Our tourist trade is running pretty hot,”
This comment almost made me choke,
As there were no cars in the parking lot!

“You are lucky, Luv,” the lady conceded,
“Number 5, you’re certainly in the hunt,
It has more than you would have needed,
But I need the money paid up front.”

“A restaurant?” my gut was starting to ache,
“Only room service,” the lady pursed her lips,
“For dinner, we have got chips and steak
And for breakfast it is steak and chips.”

It would have to do, I proceeded to pay,
And as I went out to await the tucker,
Plain as day I heard the lady say,
“Hey Harry, it is another city sucker.”

The first thing I noticed as I opened the door,
Was the smell, not that of lavender,
And was that tomato sauce on the floor?
I was hoping to not find a cadaver.

What’s more the TV was very blurry,
The AC didn’t work, the heat intense,
And around the bath was mould so furry,
‘Lone Star’, meaning one-star, was making sense.

“Room service,” the lady was at the door,
My chance to complain about the place,
As I was about to argue with great candour,
She said “Enjoy” closing the door in my face.

Alone I whiled away the hours to bed,
My phone had no signal, I played Solitaire,
This place was starting to do in my head,
It was like in a cell full of fetid air.

Sleep was how to deal with the yearning,
The bed bowed in the middle like a valley,
Midnight, one, two, me tossing and turning,
I felt destitute in some backstreet alley.

The chips and steak gurgled in my gut, 
Sleep virtue of some painkilling drugs,
I had found respite from the Lone Star rut,
But then I dreamt of some giant bed bugs.

Groggy in the morning I handed in the key,
Too tired to rustle up any type of complain,
I was just glad to escape, be finally free,
And drive quickly across the wide open plain.

“How was it? I hope you enjoyed the room,”
She must have thought that I was a goon,
“I am sure you will be back here real soon,”
She smarmily sniggered as I left the room.

“No way,” I thought as I got into my car,
Pondering her final words would not be smart,
So, I turned the key to escape the Lone Star,
But for some reason my car wouldn’t start.

© Neil Dufty

in The Cloud

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I wandered lonely in The Cloud,
I was trying to find some meaning,
Sifting through Big Data as allowed,
Searching for our very being,
When all at once I saw a crowd, 
A host of faces in The Cloud.

The faces were ordered like a book,
They stretched in never-ending line, 
Hard to comprehend at first look, 
Continuous as the stars that shine,
Faces promoted through pure vanity,
A clear insight into our humanity.

But as I stared, I spied a face
That suddenly grabbed my attention,
You had the visage of good grace,
Inspiring my immediate retention,
Your eyes, demeanour, so refined,
I quickly opened your Timeline.

And there you were for me to see, 
Friends, interests, your life laid there,
I gazed – and gazed – how could it be?
That I would find love in the air,
I then reached out to touch your face
But you evaporated without a trace.

(Apologies to William Wordsworth for the use of a few of his lines from the poem ‘I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud’)

© Neil Dufty